How To Communicate your Needs and Desires To A Professional Dominatrix

A little bit of fear towards your Mistress is a healthy thing. However, you should never be afraid to talk intimately and honestly with your Mistress. Always pay strict attention to S/M etiquette (good manners) when talking to a Mistress. Never exaggerate or lie about your S/M experience, as honest communication is the most important factor in creating a hot and meaningful BDSM session. There are many different situations where discussing your desires is very important to the success of an S/M scene. The most usual areas where communicating is essential are on the telephone when arranging the appointment; before the session begins (at the Mistresses' Domain); during the S/M scene; and especially after your session. Occasionally there are special situations where an open discussion is crucial to the success of the scene, such as a public outing; extended or overnight scenes, and ultimately long term S/M relationships. A submissive and/or masochist will never have a great session if they are unable or unwilling to talk about their needs and desires with their Mistress.

S/M etiquette is simply good manners from a submissives' point of view. If you know nothing about S/M before you contact a Professional Domme, chances are She will know. Do not try to lie about your experience. Approach Her with a very humble, polite, and honest attitude. Ignorance of S/M etiquette is no excuse for bad behaviour. Do not cover your ignorance with ego, rudeness, or vulgar language. Pro Dommes are Superior Women, not "slutty little girls". Even though I work in the "Sex Industry", am a Lady, and deserve to be spoken to as such. Do not lie, or exaggerate. A good Pro Domme will know you are lying, and a Dom who does not call you on your lie(s) will not be able to properly train you as a submissive, let alone share a great S/M scene with you. Always use the Mistresses' name when you talk to Her, with every exchange of words. Do not volunteer any information unless She asks you, and only speak when spoken to. Thank Her for any interest or attention She shows to you. For example; if the Mistress asks you "What activities do you desire within an S/M scene" Reply; "Thank You for asking, Ms. Zea. i enjoy light bondage such as soft ropes; and light discipline, usually with a wide leather paddle." Be very specific about your needs, and give exact examples of what you mean. "Light" will mean different things to different submissives.

Do not use sexually explicit language. I am not a phone sex operator or a prostitute, and I do not enjoy listening to you discuss the size, qualities and peculiarities of your penis. I may decide to ask you your most intimate desires and fantasies.

Do not try to tell Me without My asking. Never interrupt when I am talking to you. This is the same as saying, "Shut up! What I have to say is more important than what you are saying!"

Never correct The Dominants' sentences, grammar or facts. (Unless you are Her publisher or editor!) When you are writing Her a letter, or composing an S/M story, use lower-case notations for the submissive, and uppercase notations for The Mistress.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say; The Domina should, as well. Keep your replies short, and to-the-point: a Professional Dominants' time is very valuable. Do not call a Pro Domme a "girl", or a "guy" She is a Woman, (most likely) a Lady, and always a Dominant. You are most likely a submissive, and if you approach a Domina submissively--and with the proper etiquette--you will find that She will be more than generous when fulfilling your needs.

Think before you say something stupid to a Dominatrix. Many men call Me up and state that they are perfectly trained submissives. If you were "perfectly trained" why do you need a session? Why are you not with The Dom who trained you "so well ?" Did you surpass your Mistress? How can you presume to be perfectly trained---isn't that what the Mistress is supposed to decide? How can you tell Me that you are perfectly trained--did I train you, and (improbably) declare you "the perfectly trained submissive" Are you assuming that My training methods are exactly the same as another Doms'?

A big mistake is to talk about any past Dominants' personal life or their secrets. It is OK to discuss what you have learned from past S/M experiences, be they good or bad, but leave the Domina's name in your mouth. Do not drop (brag about) Dominas' names, unless you are specifically applying for a personal slave position. I do not care Who you have seen before, and if you are so eager to tell Me everything about the different Women Who have "trained" ; you, what will keep you from talking about Me all over town?

Another incredibly silly statement that I hear all too often is: ";Oh, Mistress. i am just a piece of shit beneath Your feet...i am lower than a worm...i am worthless." (Yes, I really do hear that a lot.) If you were actually all that pathetic, would I waste My time to play with you? Would a Goddess have a piece of shit leaving trails of slime behind on Her stilettos? And please, do not insult worms. They are one of natures' only true Hermaphrodites, and truly superior beings, having dual-sexuality capabilities--you would be so lucky. Besides if you honestly are all that worthless, I would be the One to decide and inform you of that! Fortunately, I have a wicked sense of humour. I am not going to ignore or deny you when you do say something stupid. Please take a second before you quote something tired and over-used to Me. I won't pay any attention to the foolish things you say. I will, however, remember if you speak with honesty, creativity and intelligence.

When you finally get up enough nerve to call a Professional Dominatrix, remember your S/M etiquette when you speak to Her. If you don't, She might hang up on you. In a worst case scenario, the Domina might obtain your phone number through call display, (or any other method available through technology.) Likewise, do not hang up on Her answering machine.

If you disrespect the Domina, do not expect to get an appointment with Her, or any other Domina affiliated with Her. (Dommes DO talk to each other, and often exchange information about "bad", disrespectful, unsafe or violent clients.)

Ask the Domina about Her Experience (training/education), Her equipment, Her cleaning/ sterilization methods, and Her safety procedures.

Most importantly, inquire if your limits will be respected, and if safewords are used in Her Dungeon(s). If the Dominatrix can't or won't answer any of your questions to your 100% satisfaction, DO NOT book a session with Her. Do not book a phoney appointment, your voice, requests, or name and number will be remembered. You do not have to book an appointment every time you talk to a Dominatrix, Professional Doms do not mind talking briefly with sincere, interested gentlemen.

The Professional Dominatrix should talk to you in a polite, respectful, professional, and friendly manner. If She can provide you with the sensual services you desire, ask if you may book an appointment with Her.

Some Pro Dommes have very strict policies regarding tributes, and will allow no "bargaining" of the amount of tribute you give Her for an S/M scene. However, it does not hurt to ask, "Ms Zea, will you allow any room for compromise towards Your tribute?" If the Domme does not, DO NOT argue with Her. (She has Her reasons, which may include the preparation time needed for your scene, the cost of non-reusable (sterile, or one use only) materials that you need, or the attention you require during your session.)

A lower tribute does not mean a better session. If you give a professional "amateur level tributes" you will usually get an inadequate session. (Do not pay an amateur Professional level tributes, you will still receive an incompetent session.) Chances are you will get a better tribute, and a better session if you do not give the Domme a "power struggle" over the tribute. If the Dominatrix graciously allows you a break, you are extremely lucky. DO NOT PUSH HER FOR A FURTHER BREAK ON THE TRIBUTE. This would be very bad etiquette.

We have been known to quote a more than reasonable tribute to submissives who are friendly, well-mannered, honest, and personable. We have also been known to arrange a much lowered tribute to submissives who are fun to play with, and have an easy-going, open personality. We try to make Our sessions available to all, regardless of financial position. We would much rather play with a poor, humble gentleman than a rich self-centred egotist. If you have a free or loose schedule, ask Her what time would be best for Her. (That is a quick and easy way for you to gain favour with the Mistress.)

Professional Domination is a "service", and during the negotiations on the phone you are a potential "client". However; to a Mistress you are almost always a submissive, and the Mistress is always a Dominant.

When you arrive at the Professional Dominants' Domain, decide if Her premises is everything that She claimed it to be. If She described Her Dungeons to be a stately Victorian manor, and you walk up to the address and it is a common Toronto row house, you know She was exaggerating. If She told you the Dungeon was two whole floors, and She shows you her T.V. room on the main floor (decorated with cheap sex-store whips) , and Her laundry room in the basement (with Her cats' litter boxes in the corner), you should probably leave. If you are still hopefully expecting a miracle, and Her "fully equipped collection of tools" turns out to be Her boyfriends' craftsman power tool set, leave! If you are still there, and expecting to have a cross-dressing scene in a fully-equipped transformation room, and She takes you into Her bedroom, LEAVE! She is lying to you. Any exaggeration, mis-communication, or stretching of the truth is a LIE, in order to take your hard-earned money.

If the Mistress" is not talking to you in a sober or sane state, leave. She should be clear of voice, and not blurry eyed. If She is slurring, stumbling or sliding Her feet, giggling, talking too loud or too soft, leave. (A good Domina will respect the submissives' safety, and ask them to leave if they look or sound drunk or stoned.)You always have the right to leave; however, a small token is good S/M etiquette. Only leave Her an appreciation if She appears to have spent time preparing Her makeup and wardrobe for your session, or if your specific fantasy required a lot of preparation.

A good Domina will want to talk to you (again,) before the session begins, (whether you have seen Her before or not.) This is when you may get into more specific, intimate, and personal detail about your session. When discussing your scenario with the Mistress, still obey the rules of S/M etiquette. Honestly tell Her what you like done to your body, (and if you can share this much, what you like done to your mind and soul.) If you can, tell Her WHY you desire these acts. Most Pro Dommes are not psychic, and can not read your mind. Many of them need you to verbally communicate your needs and desires.

Do not look into Her eyes when you are talking to Her, always look at Her face, below Her eyes. Incredibly, by obeying these simple and basic rules of S/M etiquette, the sincere submissive will find their needs and desires met stronger than their expectations.

A "submissive" who constantly antagonises, disrespects, and tells their Mistress what to do (and how to do it) will only receive the minimum of attention, if they are not asked to leave. Do not give your Mistress a written script to follow. If She does not have the sensitivity to listen to your desires, then intelligently create a unique scene that meets your needs, She is not truly a Professional Dominant Mistress.

Once your personalized scene has begun, follow the Mistresses' specific rules of S/M etiquette. Pay attention to your Mistresses' body language, and respond in kind. (There are more ways to communicate then with just words.) If she is stand-offish and emotionally cold, keep your distance; verbally, physically and emotionally. If She is open, kind, and flirtatious, relax and open up to Her; verbally, physically and emotionally.

Never touch your Mistress, unless She has specifically ordered you to.

If She does not tell you what Her rules are, ASK HER.
If you ever have any questions, ASK HER.

Some Mistresses allow eye contact, most don't . Some Dommes need their submissives to give them constant feedback. Some Dominas will not allow a single word to escape their submissives' mouth. When you are granted the chance to speak to Her, remember to use Her name every time you respond to Her. ALWAYS respond with:
"yes Ms Zea", or
"No Ms Zea" or
"Please Ms Zea" or
"Thank You Ms Zea"...

Obviously, insert your own Mistress' name. If you don't know what to say when your Domina speaks to you, these four phrases will always be appropriate. These four sentences are usually all a submissive should have to say, except if the Mistress demands greater detail. If your Mistress is exceptionally talented, you should not have to talk very much during your session except for the occasional "Ooooh Mistress" or "Aaaah, Mistress" ---*A small hint*--- never say "Oh God!" During the session, the Mistress IS your Goddess. Therefore, instead, say; "Oh Ms Zea!" (Or insert your Mistresses' name.) Always apologize directly after any transgression or mistake. If you don't, your Mistress will remember.

During the session, trust your Mistress to stay within your personal limitations. If you still feel the need to beg your Mistress to stop, do not say; "Oh please, Mistress, stop!" Not only is this telling your Mistress what to do, many masochists use this phrase repeatedly in order to fuel their desires. Most Doms will ignore this, and continue to play with you. If you really need Her to stop, use the safeword "Mistress, yellow, please!" Then, truly share your fears and/or feelings. If you are having a heart attack, "Mistress, stop!" might be interpreted to mean that you are really enjoying yourself, when you are really dying. You must use the safeword,"Mistress, red, please!" This is the only communication that will entirely stop a scene.

The only way to GROW through S/M play is with honest, intimate, trusting communication. If you are not growing through S/M play, then you are STALLED. If you are stalled, then your S/M play is BORING. A submissive friend of Mine jokingly uses the safeword "Blue, Mistress!" when he is bored in a scene with his other play partners.

S/M play is supposed to be fun and exhilarating . If it is not, then you are playing with the wrong person!

After the session, many S/Mers enjoy talking about the scene. You might talk about your feelings, emotions or fears. You might discuss ways to expand your current range of S/M experience, or improve on what you have already played with. Some submissives discover that they have come into touch with some extremely hidden memories, and many masochists actually find a good S/M session more emotionally healing than a session with a "licensed therapist". Some people need to talk about the scene immediately after the session, but most prefer to talk about it days, or even weeks after the session. This allows all the thoughts and feelings time to mature and deepen, before you make judgements based on them. Some of My submissives like to talk about the scene right before their next session.

Do not think that your scene is finished when you leave your Dominas' Domain. Any experienced S/Mer knows that a successful S/M scene continues in the mind, body and soul of the player long after you say goodnight.

Do not analyse the fun completely out of the scene. Sometimes the only communication needed is "Whew! That was amazing!" Sometimes, the "after scene discussion" needs to be an entire S/M session in itself.

Usually, an extended session will require a more intimate and detailed discussion. In a public scene, all of the people involved, (whether they are players or voyeurs) should give their verbal consent to any or all activities that might take place. If the submissive desires to meet with a Dominatrix over multiple visits, then he should communicate his specific needs for growth.

A long term S/M relationship requires an in-depth, honest, and intimate talk, as well as a commitment. The commitment can be a verbal one, but is usually a written contract signed by both the Dominant and submissive. Points to discuss include expectations, fears, fetishes, fantasies (the ones you wish made into reality, as well as the ones that should remain fantasy), personal limits (which ones you are willing to expand, and the limits that are to be strictly maintained), S/M oriented goals (immediate, medium-range, and long-term), financial limitations, personal situations (such as school or business), home-based relationships (such as a wife and/or children), safewords, favourite tools, and medical conditions (physical and emotional). Most of these points should also be covered with your S/M partner for a "short" 1-2 hr session, not just the "longer" scenes.

If you are fortunate enough to go out in public with your Dominatrix, there are many more rules of etiquette to be followed. If you wish to communicate with your Dominant during an outing, always wait until They are not engaged in a conversation with someone else. Ask for permission to speak, then say what you need to. Example; "Ms Zea, may i speak?"---"Yes!"---"May i please go to the mens' room, Ms Zea?" Always ask for permission to leave your submissive position, of just behind and to the right. Ask for permission to talk to someone other than the Dominant you are with, even if a person (wrongly) starts a discussion with you without talking to the Dom you are with, (first). Do not look others in the eye when you are talking to them, especially if they are Dominant. *Hint*--Dominants usually carry tools of discipline or keys on their left side, and have a relaxed posture. Submissives generally have their eyes lowered and humbled, their heads held high and proud, and stand very straight and still. Submissives wear tools on their right side. These are some of the many ways that S/Mers non-verbally communicate with each other. If followed correctly, these important rules of etiquette will show the Dominant (you are with) how dedicated you are to Them. you will also show their acquaintances how well you have been submissively trained By your Dominant.

Do not mistake proper submission for a lack of confidence.
Do not assume that a submissive is worth less than a Dominant.
Swallow your ego, yet keep your submissive pride.
A good submissives' thoughts and opinions are valuable, and worth sharing through communication tempered with proper S/M etiquette.

If a Dominant does not allow the submissive to discuss their needs and desires, than a good S/M scene cannot happen. If the Dominant is the only One talking, then there is no exchange of power, and successful S/M play requires a safe, sane, and consensual exchange of power.

Good S/M should increase ones' confidence in themselves, not inhibit them.

If you are too quiet and meek, then your desires will not be heard.
If you are too loud and arrogant, your desires will be ignored.

Talk openly, honestly, and intimately with your S/M partner.


Do not fear communication in an S/M scene, fear the silence...